My Brother's Girlfriend
by El Leon Y La Oveja
Summary: Rosalie and Tanya share their ideas about Edward's new human girlfriend. Humour. SOME MILD SEXUAL CONTENT. If you like the Cullen family and their antics, then this story is definitely for you. ONE SHOT FOR NOW BUT MAY BE UPDATED SOON


"Hell no!" I laughed. Tanya could be such an idiot at times. "Tan, she's a total dog. Trust me on this. I'm one million times prettier than her." Tanya seemed slightly reassured.

"Which means, I'm at least one hundred thousand times prettier than her, right?" I nodded.

"At least. I don't think it will last for long. His natural vampiric urges are going to kick in sometime, right?"

Tanya laughed. I could hear Kate saying something on the other end of the phone and they both exploded into giggles.

"What?! What?!" I demanded. "Tell me!" Tanya took a breath.

"His natural incubus instincts?" I cracked up laughing.

"Incubus, yeah right! Can you imagine Edward on some kind of human dating spree?"

"Hey, he's got to go wild someday, right?" Tanya sniffed. "I just thought that I'd be the one on the receiving end of all that sexual energy."

Typical Tanya. If it wasn't her hair, her latest human playmate or her latest gossip about the Volturi, it was Edward and his relationship status. I would have given up calling by now. In nearly a century, Edward hadn't even flirted with another creature, let alone brought some human girl home. Now he was planning some extravagant date-night for himself and Bella. I'd only seen her a few times at school, but I was completely justified in telling Tanya about her beauty (or lack of it).

"I just can't believe he's finally hooked up with someone. And it wasn't even me!" Tanya was hurt deep-down, I knew her well enough to see that. I heard Kate shriek and tell Tanya something.

"Kate just had the BEST idea! I'll send you an email with the details!"

"OK. And I didn't actually mean incubus. I was referring to his obvious inability to resist her blood." Tanya gasped.

"He wouldn't! He hasn't bitten her, has he?" I snorted.

"No, Edward's being very careful," I told her sceptically.

"Why?" Tanya asked me curiously. "What's the gossip, Rose?" I laughed to myself. One interest that Tanya and I shared was gossip. Last week, she phoned me to tell me that Felix had called Eleazar. Before Tanya met Edward, she used to have a BIG thing for Felix.

"OK...here goes. Does the word 'singer' mean anything to you?" Both girls gasped in the background.

"Rose! No way! She's Edward's singer?" Tanya sounded quite miserable.

"She smells awful to me," I lied. Tanya didn't buy it.

"You liar!" I sighed.

"She smells OK, I suppose. Although I'm not the one getting up-close-and-personal with my singer, am I? So I guess she wouldn't smell perfect to me."

The stupid human girl did smell nauseatingly nice but I wasn't about to admit that to anyone. Downstairs, Edward laughed. Idiot. He was in an unnaturally good mood about his human coming round to meet us. I'd be more worried if I were him, especially with Jasper in the house. A deep growl came from the lounge. That was better.

"Does Carlisle know about this? Isn't it going to be dangerous for us if Edward can't stay in control?"

"Of course it will be," I snarled. "I've told him time and time again but Edward doesn't care."

"He's not Carlisle! How much self-control does he think he has? It's just tempting fate!" I shrugged.

"I know. That's why I'm so mad at him."

Edward was being completely selfish. He knew very well how reckless and dangerous his behaviour was, yet he carried on his relationship like there was nothing wrong with it at all.

"Has he told her everything about...us?" Tanya sounded more than worried.

"Yep," I hissed. Tanya inhaled sharply.

"Personally, Rose, I'm not feeling like a visit from Italy at the moment. I was hoping we could get through the century without one."

"Not going to happen!" Alice called from the next room. Tanya sighed.

"I heard that," she told me. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. But Edward has definitely gotten his head messed up. Listen to this. They went out to the woods sometime this morning and he's only just got home! Edward- can you believe it? And it turns out that he was watching her sleep!" Tanya made a noise.

"That is just..."

"Creepy?" I supplied. I could hear Edward growling downstairs. "And Tan, he's been weirdly happy ever since he got back to 'change his shirt'. If he were human, I'd think that he'd been gulping down ecstasy all day."

Tanya laughed and from the living room, Edward hissed. I growled through the floorboards.

"Stop listening to my bloody conversation, you human-loving freak!" I yelled at him. Tanya snorted.

"Rosalie, language!" Esme opened my bedroom door to reprimand me.

"Sorry," I apologised. "Stop listening to my bloody conversation, you freak!" I shouted at Edward.

"Rosalie!"

"Sorry Esme, wasn't it the human bit that you found offensive?" Esme sighed.

"Honestly, Rosalie, please get dressed. Edward's going to get Bella in a few hours."

"Oh, it has a name?" Tanya hissed down the phone.

"Unfortunately." I replied.

Edward stormed straight into my bedroom and glared at me. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Can I help you, Cullen?" I was sure that he didn't miss the cool edge to my tone. He knew that I was annoyed with him.

"I would appreciate it if you'd kindly stop insulting Bella. And myself for that matter. I find it very offensive." I looked at him incredulously.

"I'm not doing anything for you. And get out of here, I'm getting dressed!" Right then, Emmett burst through the door, almost knocking it off the frame.

"Hey, I'm the only one who's allowed to see her in that underwear!" Edward rolled his eyes and turned to leave.

"Tanya says hi!" I shouted after him. On the phone, Tanya was screaming at me.

"Rose! What did you say that for?"

"Well it's only polite, Tan. Could you just wait for one second?"

"Sure." Tanya replied moodily.

I put the phone on the bed. Tanya would still hear us anyway. There was no point trying to conceal phone conversations from vampires.

"Emmett! Have you been hunting?" Emmett flexed his muscles and signalled to his golden eyes.

"Five grizzlies, three minutes and a hundred-foot cliff drop. Yep, I went hunting."

"Three minutes?" Tanya's voice came from the phone. "That's impressive, Em. Take me hunting one day." I snorted.

"Let me just explain what hunting with Emmett is like. There's Emmett and then there's someone standing there with a stopwatch and pencil while he catches as many grizzlies as he can. Then Emmett makes that someone enter his times and distances down in a notebook so that he can put it in the Cullen Book of Vampire Records."

Tanya coughed.

"Umm...the Cullen Book of Vampire Records?" I laughed.

"Otherwise known as the Carlisle and Edward Book of Achievement."

"That is so lame, Rose! Are you in it?" I smiled at Emmett proudly.

"Most houses smashed during sexual intercourse! Most curses uttered about the Volturi in a single sentence! Of course I'm in it!"

Tanya cracked up laughing.

"I'm guessing it wasn't Edward's idea to put those in?"

"Nope, mine, Em's and Jas's. We take responsibility for all the fun records. Carlisle and Edward have all the geeky ones."

"Like what?"

"Like Most Human Memories, umm...Can Recite Most Robert Frost Poems, Largest Collection of Music and DVDs, Longest Period of Abstinence from Hunting..."

"Who got that last one?" Tanya asked.

"Carlisle, of course. I actually came second."

"I've got to see this book!" Tanya giggled. "We should do some records ourselves. What others are there?"

"Most Human Food Consumed in One Minute. Emmett Vs Jasper. That was NOT a pretty one minute."

"Ugghh. I can imagine!" Tanya cringed.

"Most Languages Spoken is one of the geekier ones."

"Who holds the gold in that then?" Tanya laughed. "Let me guess..."

"Actually, Edward and Carlisle drew first place. Carlisle came out on top at first but then Edward learnt Icelandic in three days so that he didn't lose the top spot. He's very competitive."

"Rose, get off the phone! Edward's gone to pick up Bella!" I sighed.

"OK, Tan, I've got to go now," I sulked. "Human's on her way over." Tanya growled.

"Tell me everything. I want a full-report on her awful behaviour. Do you think that Esme and Carlisle will hate her?"

"I could persuade Jas to help me mess with her emotions but he's off hunting and will be way too busy not killing her to make her stroppy and bored or whatever."

"I guess she's coming then," Tanya moaned. "Text me with the details ASAP and I'll tell you about the time that I nearly kissed Felix." I jumped off the bed.

"You WHAT???!!!!" Tanya cackled in my ear.

"No way! Not until I've heard a report on Isabella Swan and how much everyone hates her."

"Tan!" I growled. "I really hate you sometimes! Making me wait for gossip!"

"You love me really!" Tanya said sweetly. "Bye, Rose!"

The Volvo's engine stopped outside the front of the house.

Let the games begin, I thought sourly, as I pulled my clothes on quickly. _Oh, and Edward? _He had to be listening on full alert. _She messes this up, I will kill you both. _


End file.
